The chronicles and ramblings of a stay-at-home father raising his three beautiful girls, Anya Rose, Caitlin Rose and Reegan Rose.

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's all relative

Another good week for the Schmidt's (and by good I mean the house didn't burn down and Alicia and I would probably score somewhat in the 'sane' category of a psychiatric evaluation). 

Reegan learned a new trick this week; it's called shitting in the bathtub.  Reegan and Caitlin like to take baths together before bedtime and they generally play in there for 15 to 20 minutes.  Alicia and I try sit in the bathroom with them, but like a chubby white woman to a black dude, a good episode of Wheel of Fortune is hard to say no to. 

On Tuesday, after I smoked Alicia on a very difficult 'Before and After' puzzle, I thought I'd go check to make sure both the girls were both alive.  What I found was a tub that looked like the Gulf coast after the BP oil spill.  I pulled the girls out and threw all the toys into the sink.  After draining and sanitizing the tub, I had about two dozen bath toys that needed thorough cleaning.  I needed help, but the Sierra Club was no where to be found; I was going to have to do this by myself. After 30 minutes of hard work and half a gallon of Clorox, I had won the battle over the loose stool.

On Thursday, Reegan choose to take another dump in the tub.  Is it the warm water on her behind?  The freedom of taking a deuce without a diaper on?  Or is it just the thrill of making her Dad shriek in disgust as he tries cleaning up the mess?  We'll never know.  But hopefully this is only a passing phase, like Moon Boots and the Insane Clown Posse.

Caitlin too has had her issues with poop.  She is in the process of potty training and she's been doing a pretty good job.  At least once a day she'll head to the bathroom by herself and use the toilet like a big girl, and like a big girl, she'll spend 40 minutes doing it.  The worst though, is when she starts to take a bowel movement in her diaper and then realizes she should go on the toilet.  Without realizing it, she takes off her diaper and smears her ass up on the seat.  After going she attempts to wipe, but only manages to defile her hands, shirt, and pants.  I've really got to hand it to nurses, proctologists, and sewage treatment workers; dealing with poo is not easy.  I know learning how to use the toilet by herself is going to payoff in the long run, but can't she practice when her mother's watching her?

Anya is continuing to develop into a chip off the old block.  On Saturday I had a volleyball tournament and before I left I asked her to be a good helper for Mommy.  She said, 'I'll do just what you do dad!' 
"Oh yeah?" I said, "And what exactly is that?"
"I'm going to change diapers, clean up, and play pirates."
This is what my life has become...

But on a serious note, I had a couple instances this week that really made me feel blessed to have beautiful Roses.  Two of my volleyball buddies were talking to each other about their plans for the evening.  One of them mentioned that he had to out to hang out with his friend for his birthday party.  They were going to go to the T-Wolves game and hit up Dave and Busters.  I jumped in and explained that he should be happy for his freedom to go out whenever the hell he wanted.  "I've got three kids at home.  If I want to get out I need to find someone to hang out with, clear it with the boss, and save up my money for a month to go!"

My other friend responded, "At least you have kids.  My wife and I have been trying for over three years."


My girls have been the greatest gift I've ever received and while I like to bitch and moan about all the work involved with raising them, I am a very lucky man and I should never take that for granted.

Tip of the Day:  If you're 65 years old and look like Roy Wally from National Lampoons Vacation, don't try to pick up 25 year old girls at the gym with the pick up line, "You have beautiful hair; it would look nice on my pillow."  Seriously.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Ding Dong, Christmas Bells are Ringing

Tis' the season folks.  A time of peace, love and compassion...and putting up Christmas decorations.  Our usual tradition is to set up the Christmas tree on the Friday after Thanksgiving, but this year we decided to spend a couple days up at the Pohlmann's farm.  The girls absolutely love it up there!  Anya's cousin Kayidance was up at the farm so that pretty meant I only saw her for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  The rest of the time she was out in the barn 'helping' Grandpa do his chores.  Anya is more comfortable in the barn than I am, although I am still better than her at avoiding being pooped on by the cows.  Caitlin still loves the barn as long as she is inside the house.  The minute she actually sees a cow, however, she shits herself with fear and has an uncontrolable urge to be carried.  Not the most adventurous girl, but damn is she cute.  Reegan loves all the attention she gets at the farm.  As the baby of the family she has learned that if she wants attention she has to make it happen herself.  If she wants to read a book she grabs one, tracks down an open lap, and demands to be read to. 

On Sunday we went up to Papa and Nana's house for the Vikings game and dinner.  We had a relaxing day of sitting around while Papa played with the girls on his lap.  Papa has developed a physiological adaptation to getting a break though.  It seems whenever he is around children for a couple hours, his GI track kicks into overtime.  He will sneak upstairs for an hour or so and nobody knows where he goes.  When he comes back he always has the same excuse, "I had to go to the bathroom."  Apparently my children cause him to take such massive bowel movements that it requires an extensive session upstairs in the 'bathroom.'  I hope to someday develop such an adaptation.

Alicia had Monday off, so we purchased our Christmas tree in the morning and spent the day putting up our decorations.  I love the Christmas season, but all the work involved with transforming our dull house into a winter wonderland is always stressful.  This year while downstairs getting our Christmas decorations from our crawl space, I cracked my head on a low hanging steel elbow joint.  Anya was at my feet so I was looking down and CRACK.  I touched my head and found blood and what I thought was brain fluid.  I was scared to look in the mirror as I thought I would look like Ray Liotta in the movie Hannibal.  Fortuneately it wasn't as bad as I thought, but it did manage to put the Scrooge in my Christmas spirit. 

Alicia, Anya and I decorated the Christmas tree while Caitlin and Reegan undecorated it.  When we finally had everything the way Anya wanted it, we called it a day.  The best part of the day was turning on the lights and watching an episode of The Simpson's with Reegan and Caitlin on my lap while Alicia played countless games of Go Fish with Anya.  What a great family I have!

Tip of the Day - If you agree to play Go Fish with Anya, be prepared to be propositioned with the request every time you see her for the next two weeks.  And she doesn't like losing.